Scatterbrain thoughts on gender

I am angry

I am angry about gender

I am angry about the way I have been led to relate to myself

All my life, my gender has never lined up much with femininity, but people would always put me in that box and expect that performance of me

All my life, every single day, I have been subject to “positive reinforcement” whenever I portray conventional femininity

And I have been met with utter silence about any of my other gender expressions.

When I do my makeup

When I style my hair

When I wear dresses

People tell me I look great, I look beautiful, I look stunning, I look amazing, wow that is a fantastic outfit

Wow, I really clean up well

I was taught to cater to this

The only time I ever receive praise is when I’m performing femininity the way society wants me to

So of course I seek praise

I really clean up well

ie. I look “good” when I am furthest towards feminine in my glass elevator of gender

As compared to my other incarnations.

But now I am angry

I look great, I look beautiful, I look stunning amazing fantastic, in any variation of myself

Why do I only ever get acknowledged when I’m performing femininity

I feel like a monkey dressed in a costume

I don’t dance for you

I dance for myself.