I am angry
I am angry about gender
I am angry about the way I have been led to relate to myself
All my life, my gender has never lined up much with femininity, but people would always put me in that box and expect that performance of me
All my life, every single day, I have been subject to “positive reinforcement” whenever I portray conventional femininity
And I have been met with utter silence about any of my other gender expressions.
When I do my makeup
When I style my hair
When I wear dresses
People tell me I look great, I look beautiful, I look stunning, I look amazing, wow that is a fantastic outfit
Wow, I really clean up well
I was taught to cater to this
The only time I ever receive praise is when I’m performing femininity the way society wants me to
So of course I seek praise
I really clean up well
ie. I look “good” when I am furthest towards feminine in my glass elevator of gender
As compared to my other incarnations.
But now I am angry
I look great, I look beautiful, I look stunning amazing fantastic, in any variation of myself
Why do I only ever get acknowledged when I’m performing femininity
I feel like a monkey dressed in a costume
I don’t dance for you
I dance for myself.